Today, I broke down.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I just need to do this..

For the past few months, I’ve been searching online about my unusual behavior and very strong personality. I know I can’t please everybody. I am very aware of that. Every time I came up up with an article about depression, behavior and psychological related stuff - I always watch and read them. I even type some scenarios on Google search, trying to find a similar one to me. I wanted to know if I’m just overthinking or its also happening to anyone else.

My personality is very unique. A mix of sweet and strong attitude. I tried to re-adjust my attitude a multiple times but I just can’t. It’s not because I won’t do it but I just can’t. It keeps on bringing the bad side of me. I apologize for who I am. I apologize to people who can’t handle the situation.

Today, I asked my workmate why is she being aloof. As a very jolly girl who loves to be friends with everybody, I would immediately feel if something is wrong. We used to talk casually. I even thought we’re close friends but I guess she thinks we’re not. I asked what’s she’s problem with me because I can’t help it anymore. I FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF. I hate the fact that people doesn’t like me. But for years that I’ve been with them, I am quite affected that all of the sudden they became like that. This girl has a shy, silent personality but with a hint of competitive attitude. When I first asked her what’s her problem about me. She immediately respond with an irritable face that  she has no problem with me at all. I insisted her to tell me the truth because I feel like there is really somethin. She told me so many things that I didn’t even asked. Like she’s just being quiet, that we’re not that close, that she talks to me (about work), that she heard something, etc. She then asked me why I kept pressing her and why I didn’t question the others. I just said, I asked you first because there’s no one around so I took the chance. I am quite surprise when she told me that I asked her first because she’s weak. I have never ever even thought about that. I don’t even know how did she found out about the other people who’s being also aloof to me. I just cried. I easily cry even if I have a very strong personality.

What I observed on our conversation. If she really have no problem with me at all (but) I’m sure there is, because of the way she responded - a cold irritable saying “none” as if she wants to say “go away”.

I asked myself - “Why is it always be me?” What is wrong with me? I honestly can’t tell that the problem is me nor my personality but I believe it is the people around me who are making it a big deal.

They say that I have strong persona that initimidates everybody. But they also say that we all differences that we should respect. Contrary to what they act like. These people that have a very sweet and kind attitude and vibes but they’re also the type of person who easily judge. They have a lot to say even if they kept on telling themselves that they don’t fucking care. How come my actions affected them so much if they don’t really care? These kind of people are the ones that are in deniably more cruel than me.

I curse - A LOT. Someone told me I should not curse that much because it is not really nice for ladies. Oh, I’m sorry dear if that hurts you. What happens to differences that should be respected of each and everyone. She said I have to adjust.
But here’s the thing, would I even act like that if I think its not okay with you? For years we’ve been speaking to each other, did you even told me these things that you don’t like about me? How did you think that I am not adjusting myself to different kinds of people I talk to? Why are you generalizing my behavior towards you and everyone else.

“Get yourself checked, Hazel. Know what’s wrong with you.”
Here’s my response:
“I don’t have any problem with myself. I didn’t hurt anybody. I didn’t mocked anyone. I didn’t do anything wrong.. If you have a problem with my habitual cursing, then tell me you don’t wanna fucking hear it when I’m around. Do I have to explain everything why am I like this? Do I have to explain myself to everybody? Is it necessary to go through my sad stories that made me who I am? I guess not! Wake up hypocrite people, stop judging me. Are you really going to church every wekeend and sharing holy verses on Facebook? because like seriously? You are just lying to yourself that you belong to the kind-hearted people of the earth.

I AM NEVER FAKE. I AM JUST BEING MYSELF. I will never change myself to be accepted to your group of hypocrite, plastic fake ‘friends’. I know my limits. You do not deserve me. You don’t!

As long as there is someone who believes in me. As long as there is at least one person who loves and see the good in me, I will continue to live. Because even though I always tell that I wanna die, a picture of the people who loves me is miraculously peaking through my mind. Reminding me that I am still blessed. That I am worth to live - with a happy heart;

*It’s been a week since I broke down. ‘Til now, I have so many thoughts on my mind that still, makes me sad and cry.*

PS: I am currently experiencing most of all the symptoms of depression listed here: Thus the lack of blogpost that seriously, believe me, I want to do but I can’t. I can’t concentrate. It’s hard to explain..

Love Always,
Maria Hazel

1 comment

  1. First of all, there's is no problem with you. I'm not a professional here, but base on my experience every person have a different personality that's why every person is unique from others. Our personality makes us unique. I guess you have a lot of friends who really knows you deep down, and stayed with you for a long time now just stick with them and never mind the pepz at the office.